I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
