the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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