i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
