Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
