had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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