remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
