I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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