if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
