That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
