i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
