My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
