Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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