Cold hands, warm shart.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
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