so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
