I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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