I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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