It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Everyone says I win the strip club
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
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