you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
