i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
