I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
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