I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
well you can't waste a boner
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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