dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
