Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
