Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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