So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
