I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
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