remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
