He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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