i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
