You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Randomize
