nut hugger
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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