My first STD was from a foam party
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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