woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
