I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
