i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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