omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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