Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
