I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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