She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
