I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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