I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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