I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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