Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
