i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize
