your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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