So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
