I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Randomize
