How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
