haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
i out mim tonsoeep
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