i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
