I want to have your abortion
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
