My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
