so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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