Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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