i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
