I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
