The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
