Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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