you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
