Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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