shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
