Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
false alarm. still invincible.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
