erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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