I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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