I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
