Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize