no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
