AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
